Have you ever just stopped and looked at someone going through a rough time in life and thought to yourself, “What has brought her/him to this place in their life?” Everyone has something they are dealing with. Be it depression, a trauma they have carried over since childhood, an abusive relationship, a divorce or maybe it just seems they can never get ahead no matter what avenue they travel.

For every situation someone has, each individual handles their situation differently. Everyone has some form of baggage they carry with them through life. Unless your life existence has been lived in the bottom of a mouse hole I’m sure you have observed at least a few of the coping mechanisms people use to buffer, forget or dismiss the things that are hard for people to come face to face with. Some people obsessively exercise where another person may bury themselves deep into their work. Yet still others may resort to drinking alcohol and then there are those who pretend that everything is just fine. These are all ways I have seen first hand with people I have known over time.

Throughout our lives we all deal with things that impact us in both positive and negative ways. Many times we probably don’t even realize we do what we do until we have done it or until someone else makes note and brings it to our attention. It’s what we do with it after that which makes a difference. These choices can either lighten your load mentally and or physically or sabotage your life moving forward. If you are someone who buries themselves in work to not have to deal with feelings or people you may get ahead in the workplace but what about every other aspect of your life? What about your family; wife, children, parents, siblings? What about your friends and those relationships that have stood the test of time. What happens to those relationships that aren’t being nurtured? We all have choices on how to deal with things. What may be beneficial to one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. First the behavior has to be recognized the “why” has to be determined and the action to deal with it has to become a reality.

I’ve recently heard something so familiar but it was put in different words so I finally “got” it. My father always says, “Learn something new every day. I’ts not hard, just read. A newspaper, magazine article, even a brochure.” This is something he has always done himself too and he also has said not in these exact words but “If I stop, I’m going to stop.” The way I heard this message recently is, When something stops growing it begins to die. Suddenly my fathers words took on a whole new meaning. I forever thought he was talking about educating yourself but it really isn’t that. Hearing it the other way made more sense to me because I was thinking in garden terms. When a plant stops growing, it starts dying. That is what he was talking about all these years. Keep your brain growing by learning because if you stop learning you will stop the brain from growing and it will begin a decline in health and well being. The same is true for relationships and ourselves personally.

My father recently had a serious health scare which required major invasive surgery and recovery and we are all very grateful he is strong and getting stronger still everyday. Just a few short months later we lost my father in law. Two men who both made some similar choices earlier in their lives with different outcomes. Why? I can’t really say but maybe it’s because one identified an issue and dealt with it and the other chose a different way of dealing with it or didn’t deal with it at all. But what was behind the choices. Why do things effect us all so uniquely? This has made looking at my life, our lives more intimately and making the decision to invest in growing a little bit every day. Growing health wise, my relationships, and myself personally.

Ultimately unless you have lived side by side with someone throughout their entire lives you have no idea of the things they have endured over time in their lives and at what level those scenarios are or how it affected them. Even if you were Siamese twins, two brains would interpret the same event differently thus potentially have two very different outcomes.

Looking at things in a new way can sometimes make a world of difference in trying to understand the behaviors of not only the people we love but people in general. It would be nice to consider the possibilities of a healthier outlook on how people deal with the traumas they have suffered in their lives. Although these conversations can sometimes feel confrontational there is good that can come from it. Be supportive, nonjudgmental and compassionate. Those attributes can go a long way. Remember you truly can not know the impact events in someone else life have had on them.

xo